Monday, December 28, 2009

follow your heart

i was just reading jeff's blog. he is an american guy who lives in japan. he was actually the one whom i wrote to when i wanted to learn thangka painting as i googled thangka and came across his blog. he was really nice, and gave me the contact of tsering art school. which i ended up going.

i just happened to revisit his blog again and i saw some photos of my classmates from his posts dated sometime in 2007 and 2008. haha it was really funny. they are still there but the foreigners come and go. i saw my teacher, yangzom who was still a student then and i also saw tenzin in one of the photos, and he was a teacher then. oh how dearly i miss the whole experience: the environment, the activities i was engaged in and the people i was mixing with.

last week i went to see my teacher. he gave me a simple but sadly made cliche line 'FOLLOW YOUR HEART'. which contains absolute truth and demands absolute courage from one to live it. he told me i dont need any validation or seek any approval from anyone. we live our life true to our heart. i am contemplating on returning for a longer period of time, to the people i love and the things i love to do. coming from the heart, this intention is pure and so powerful. inspired and motivated without asking for anything in return. however from the mind, things become calculative, scheming and relentless at invoking doubt and guilt. internal conflict begins.

this is the roof where we have tea break every 3:30pm. i wonder if i will ever get to this stage. learning the proportion. in precise calculation. 'this is the dolma's head'. dolma is tibetan, tara in sanskrit. female buddha in short. it would be really fantastic if i could one day paint the tara (female buddha) like this one below using my favourite colours, green and pink! (now you know how little i have learnt to complete a full thangka. haha) ok one step at a time. next i hope to learn to combine the different flowers and leaves.
thats my teacher yangzom in a chuba, tibetan national dress. with nice matching pink crocs? haha.. when i go in feb next year during cny (which happens to fall on same date as tibetan new year losar this year) maybe i should get her to go shopping for a chuba with me. and dress totally tibetan. i hope she will be in kathmandu then. she hasnt replied my email yet. and thats tenzin as a teacher last year. haha.. very serious once he steps into the school compound. haha.. haha its funny when i read jeff's post about his first week in school, he also talked about his 3 days learning to draw and colour the loma leaf!! the famous loma leaf which intrigues every foreign student i think.
all photos from jeff at full thangka this is his room taken at the dragon guesthouse, which i will be staying this time. i like the big windows they have. i really miss this kind of living. a small simple room with possessions only enough to be squeezed into a backpack. nothing to get done except painting, reading, writing, spending time with the tibetans. like what my teacher said 'NO DOING. JUST BEING.' nothing to do really. being silent. that doesnt mean things are not happening. it just means you trust the universe so much, you are allowing the space, the silence for things to happen organically, naturally, radically, magically. the result of such action i truly believe is so much more powerful than the actions our mind is used to planning.

anyway, lately i kind of discovered why i really like painting. its the silence it puts me into. the beautiful solitary. i feel we sometimes talk too much and its tiring isnt it? so there i was, painting my 6th 'pema' 2 days ago in the nook on afternoon and at one point, everything was so quiet i hear my own soft regular breathing. i stopped and listened. as if the heart belongs to someone else. it was pure joy. the heart is smiling. all is peace within hues of the crimson petals.

p.s. dear miss dakini, i think i have discovered the magic of painting. thank you for inspiring me with your beautiful paintings when we were in nepal 2 months ago. i am hooked. i showed my teacher the paintings. he looked at it in silence for quite a long time and said to me in the eyes 'you like painting'. it was a really touching moment when someone acknowledges what is in our hearts. yes! we both have good hands! maybe its time to pick up that brush again my fearless dakini... let it come let it all come! its going to be alright.


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