right here right now

its always raining over here, it is raining now. it is quite dark but not gloomy. i am thinking if i should go to nepal next week to see Mira, my nepalese didi (means elder sister). she is the one who takes care of my cats whenever i am away, and she is also the one who invited me to stay with her family when i was in nepal last year. sometimes its wierd that you feel a lot of love for strangers or accquaintances. the love is in fact, so much more pure becos there is no unnecessary expectations, no judgement (becos you dun know that person well enough for your mind to start the judging process) you are able to totally see the person as who she is. and mira is definitely one of these people in my life, whom i feel this connection with.

late last year, we heard that she has cancer and she had been back in nepal since then and to india to have treatment.
last week i email tenzin, my tibetan friend in nepal to help me call her. he did. and told me:

''she is ok but while conversation with her in telephone.
i feel like she was sick before and this day little improved but not all.
if you meet her in september then it's will be very good. for you and for her also.
but today i told that you are coming in nepal . september.
she was very happy and she said she didnot need anythings from hongkong.
but suyin . you must take care and come to there home savely.
she said you are very important for her.''

totally heart wrenching. i am planning a trip to learn thangka painting in sep but what will happen in sep? no one knows. i have been asking myself if i should wait till sep to go. my cousin's incident still haunts me, when she was diagnosed with cancer, i went back to visit her. instead of me comforting her, it turned out the other way round. i was crying and she was telling me that she is getting better. we made a pact to see each other again in oct (our birthday month) but it didnt happen. she passed away before that.

my teacher, fred always tell me, 'suyin, there is nothing but NOW. this very moment.' what we experienced before has ended and what we anticpate does not exist either. we can never be sure whenever we say 'i will do it next time' or 'after i get out of this mess, then i can do that wonderful thing'. there is no guarantee of that 'next time' or that 'after that.. then'.

each time after i talked to fred, i feel the harshness of reality. to truly live in reality is harsh. and our minds do not like it. its always retreating to the past to find comfort, or escaping to the future to find excuses. we like to remain comfortable.

i am struggling now. to go or not to go now. money is so tight after my london trip. i am already going in sep so maybe i should wait and go then.... but.... oh....
their house is somewhere down there. dumbar, mira's brother and i trying to get past some goats up the hill to get to catch the tutuk to thamel.
i remembered playing this car thing for the longest time with the boys, david and credid (mira's sis' sons). that's nabina, mira's 17yo daughter.
then we chill out at the local cafe, with a glass of nepalese milk tea.
me and mira's elder sis in sari.
constantly planes fly over kathmandu valley....

i am going to buy lottery later. i need 4500hkd for the plane ticket and maybe a bit more for food. anyway ok! you girls enjoy the rest of sunday! keep smiling no matter what....