i am willing to love myself completely

hi girls! oh i just came back from green cottage, remember the magic omelette place. today i had a superb egg benedict. when i was paying, mike said to me 'mm i think you look better in real person than in photos.' took me a second to translate. AH!!!!!!! shit he checked out our website and saw my photos! i contained my surprise and with poise, i replied with a smile 'mm you know actually i dun really like people to know i model for the clothes myself. haha.' i knew it would happen sooner or later. becos before london, ron the other guy asked me for our website so that his wife could maybe buy from us, i was so reluctant to give. mm... i dun really like friends (especially men) who are not customers to see the photos. i am shy.

mm... this is a very interesting emotion. i have not really come to term with the fact that i model the clothes. why? becos its such a contrast to the everyday 'me' especially for people who know me... why am i 'shy/embarassed' to let people know?

i see myself as reserved, not so loud, dun like to be in the limelight person. this model thing really stretched my personal boundaries. and to be honest, i dun really like to look at my own photos after shooting. then gradually, it came to a point, where i would look at them and not think i am looking at myself but actually someone else. i am happy when i am doing it, but it's not something i enjoy doing. its just that at this moment, we do not have the excess money so it's part of my job.

my friends have always given me very positive comments about it but i always try to brush it off. you know.. not truly receiving the compliments totally. thanks guys, deeply appreciate it. i was actually amazed when one of my friend told me she saw such great confidence and she is inspired by it. i am very happy that it inspires people. but beneath all that 'confidence', lies a side of me which i have not come to term with. i am confident when i take the photos but maybe not so confident of presenting my body in that way to friends, people whom i know and i do not know.

this is good exercise for my 're-educate myself to LOVE MYSELF TOTALLY (both good and bad aspects)' campaign which i launched for myself after london. i love the part of me who is confident when shooting (without ego). at the same time, i acknowledge the 'shy, embarassed' part of me (without criticism). let us all be willing to love ourselves completely. you are just as good as everyone else.

anyway. haha after i told mike i dun really like people to know i model for the clothes, he said with such innocence eyes 'dun worry, i only checked out the website once.' wahahhaha thinking back of his strong conviction now really makes me laugh, ok ok, i believe you.

What I am reading now: Living In The Light by Shakti Gawain.